Lord Have Mercy Apple Pie

This recipe is an excerpt from the appendix in Rachel's newly published book, Confessions of an American None: A Credo of Sorts, available on Amazon. In Chapter One, she dissects common conceptions of God that have led to millions of people fleeing Christianity. She redefines "God" (no small task) but leaves the apple pie recipe traditional. It's a classic, after all.

Whenever I say Lord have mercy I mean it like an epitomic Southern mama who is bewailing that her children tracked mud on the kitchen floor after she just mopped it. Or in my case, like a woman who occasionally resigns to the fact that sometimes you just have to eat the damn pie. Resistance is futile.

This recipe makes two pies. That way you can either invite more people over for dinner or share one with someone who needs some TLC. You may want to purchase disposable aluminum pie plates at the grocery store for easy pie-sharing.

What you need:

10-12 medium or 5-6 ginormous apples

• My favorites to use are a combo of Granny Smith with at least one of the following: Honeycrisp, Braeburn, or Envy

• Peeled, cored, and cut into small chunks or slices depending on your preference

¾ c. white sugar

2 tsp cinnamon

• I prefer Penzey’s Ceylon

½ tsp nutmeg

• I use a nutmeg grinder because I’m a cooking nerd

2 two-finger pinches of salt

• (your thumb technically isn’t a finger)

1 tsp lemon juice

4 tbsp flour

2 packages Pillsbury pie crust

• The refrigerated kind that comes rolled up

• (Unless you like a little self-flagellation, store-bought is the way to go.)

Silicone pie crust protector

• (the pocket protector of cooking nerds)

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Take the rolls of pie crust out of the boxes to let them come to room temperature before you unroll them.

Mix the apples, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and lemon juice. Fold in a little love. (You know you have it to give.) Next, sift the flour over the apple mixture in 2-3 batches, stirring in between each addition. This fine dusting of flour will help prevent the pie filling from being runny.

Line ungreased pie pans with the pie crust dough. Make sure it lays down flat and evenly. Use a fork and make several pricks along the sides and bottom of each pan. Pour the apple mixture into both pans, dividing equally. Unroll the two remaining pie dough discs and lay across the top of the pies.

Unless you are Martha Stewart or her culinary progeny (in which case you will meticulously flute the edges of the pie crust), gently press the bottom and top pie crusts together around the edge of the pan. You can try to do something fancy or just let it be. Regardless, it’s all going to end up in someone’s belly.

Trim the excess crust off around the edges of the pie plate. Now imagine the happy faces of those who will eat your pie as you make a cut out on top of the pie to let steam escape. (Slits, shapes, whatever strikes your fancy.) You can also use the excess dough to make a design to put on top of the pie. I like to make my kids’ initials.

Bake at 400 degrees for approximately 50 minutes until the crust is golden brown and the apples are fully cooked. After the edges of the pie are browned to your satisfaction (about 15-20 minutes in), put a silicone pie crust protector over it to prevent over-browning.

When the pie is done baking, remove and let cool on a wire rack for at least 2 hours. If you are making this pie for a dinner party, I recommend making it the day before.

Optional: Serve with Get Behind Me Satan Caramel (recipe is soon to be published on the American None blog and YouTube channel) and your favorite vanilla bean ice cream.

Rachel Roberts is the founder of American None. Every now and then she's known to have a deep thought, usually in the most random places– like shopping for IPA and gummy bears.